your faithfulness in the morning

I just wrote one of the stranger emails of my fifteen years online. Here's a snip:

I'm leading Kaballat Shabbat at my minyan tomorrow night, which is very exciting. I don’t do this much, I am not super experienced. I just love my community and I love singing so I want to bring some beautiful music and hopefully not screw it up.

All week I have not been able to get the beautiful “Mizmor Shir Lyom HaShabbat” out of my head – you know the one, the one that everyone in Jerusalem was singing no matter where I went to davven. Including KZ when I was there, and you were leading, so I figured maybe I could ping you for assistance. For the life of me I CANNOT nail the middle part. I wonder if through the magic of email you can help a girl out?

Since I know the tune, can you clue me in to how the words go in the middle part? Can you sort of type out the middle for me, so I know which words to repeat? I obviously know the text and the tune, but not how to fit one to the other.

I proceeded to type out all the words I know and all the looooooong notes so that my friend could show me where to make looong words and short ones to the tune I know.

Really, this is very absurd. Why do I feel like sharing it with my 6 lonely readers? I suppose that it is a clue to the strange Jewish life I lead, connected by funny little internet connections to people halfway across the world who help me out with music I'm going to sing in downtown San Francisco. Why don't I have a rabbi in SF that I can call up and ask? I don't know.


If you haven't read it, let me recommend Stephen Marche's Raymond and Hannah, which I read today. What a weirdly perfect book to read a week after rerturning from Jerusalem! I only read it because it was assigned by my new book club, but it was - again - as if some guiding force was pushing me around, having me read things for a reason. (My therapist HATES when I talk like this.) Why the fuck was I sitting here today reading a book about a girl who goes to Jerusalem to study at Pardes?! How weird is that?

It made me - of course - want to go back. Would that I were having lusty sex, beef with broccoli and naked whiskey toasts with a Canadian academic while packing my bags for yeshiva!

Outsider

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to insider/outsiderism in Judaism. I've been at this for 32 years - consciously I suppose for about 20 - and it seems to me that I've always been an outsider. Yet there are legions of those who view me otherwise.

Judaism is a complete fucking black hole. The more you learn, the more you practice, the more you realize how unfathomably more there is to learn and practice. It just never lets up. And that's astonishing and beautiful.

What I don't care for, though, is the rings of insiderism that this creates around the black hole. Back when I was 15, I realized I had to get on it, start being a little high school super Jew (whatever that meant in the context of my ultra-assimilated reform community on the southeast) if I wanted to get voted to become president of my local TYG and thus become part of the inner circle of cool kids in the Southeast Region. Why did I want to be a cool kid? Because then I'd get to help plan conclaves, pick what songs we would sing at campfire and help write Shabbat services.

Now that I'm not technically a teenager, there's still teenage bullshit going on all around me. I go to a Shabbat lunch and one dude starts talking about, if all the New York yeshivot had a baseball tournament, which one would win? This is a cue for all the New Yorkers to start showing off how well they know all the yeshivot in the area, and for all of us who live in California to start feeling like idiots who really ought to move to New York and start yeshiva hopping (except that we're female so fuck us.)

And the oneupmanship gets ever more intense as one guy says to the other, oh that reminds me of Eric whatshisname at Chovevei Wherever, and then the second guy says, oh Ereic isn't the rosh yeshiva at Chovevei Whatever anymore, now he's at Or Whatever and Whosits is at Chovevei. And I completely lose my mind and start throwing challah at the chandeliers trying to smash something. Who the fuck cares?! We're sitting at a table in Nachlaot! Can we not talk about New York for five minutes? Bullshit Jerusalem is the promised land from the way all these Jewish nerds talk all the time!

This oneupsmanship can be found at every level of Jewish practice. You constantly have to be upping your practice, or your knowledge, to not feel like a tool at someone else's table.

Dont' get me wrong, I see the value in people upping their practice or their knowledge if they choose to do so. I just don't like the pressure and the hipsterism that seems to inspire such advancement. Is there another way?

I'm back in SF

Classic Israel moment in the airport yesterday morning. I wander into the CD store just to waste some time and see if they have this elusive CD Barak asked me to pick up for him. No one has it in the whole freaking country. Anyway they don't have it either. But I remember that I still have 16 bucks of tzedakah from a MONTH ago to get rid of before I leave the country so I stick it in the CD store's autism charity collection box. The two cuties who work at the store (why must everyone in Israel be a cutie?) are impressed and give me a present, of a giftwrapped CD. I warn them that now I will be in trouble with security since someone I don't know has given me something to take on the plane. they laugh and introduce themselves so I won't not know them. somehow it comes out about that I make tee shirts. And the one guy says, oh wow, I know someone who does that too, this dude Dan Mobius. And I'm like, of course you do. Fucking tiny ass country where everyone knows each other.

Then he starts telling me that chicks in Tel Aviv are gonna eat up my Nes Gadol panties if I make them as a bathing suit and how he is gonna connect me to an Israeli producer. Genius. And all this goes down at 5 AM with me feeling like shit.

It's been a good trip. It was very hard to leave. I feel really weird about leaving a place where I feel so emotional and where I know so many people and have had 3 job offers and a hot fling. That's how they suck you in, I guess. They make out with you and offer you a shitty job writing at the J'lem Post.

Don't tell my mom

Oops.

My pal Gil

I love a country where you can watch a show on TV and then go have coffee with the star the next week just because you mentioned you liked it to a few people and eventually someone produces a connection and there you go.

I met with Gil Kopash and the crew of "Who wants to be a Jew?" today, and I have their full support and cooperation to go back to the States and pitch funders on producing an American version, or at least a pilot. He's also into me writing a story about the phenomenon of a show about Judaism in Israel, so I'm going to pitch it tonight.

my 10 hours in ein gedi

Rei just pointed out that I'm becoming an expert on how not to spend a vacation at the Dead Sea. (Last year, he and I and Orit and Alon drove down in the middle of the night and woke up sweating and miserable with no shade. We left within an hour.)
Note the amazing white-out dust storm that hit us last night. I hear that Tel Aviv and Jerusalem looked positively like Black Rock City.

Moroccan food

We stopped at Hamsa, a Moroccan place on the side of the road to the Dead Sea. It was the most expensive rest stop I've ever been to in my whole life but the food rocked. Witness that tagine, people. Stewed lamb with artichoke, string beans and preserved lemon.

jewish fashion conspiracy always wrecks my vacations

You probably know me well enough, if you're reading this, to know I'm a big desert rat. I have been having a blast (sorry mom, no pun intended) in the cities of Tel Aviv and Jerusalem but I was feeling really itchy to get out of town so I convinced Dan and Yoseph and Aliza to take a trip down to Ein Gedi yesterday.

We had an enormously uncomfortable trip down in a too small car, with a bad map, ugly west bank sightseeing and then finally some trauma involving luggage that got left behind. And then, just as I'm settling into being there, having gone for a dip in a sulfur pool, eaten an amazing meal and relaxed under the windblown palms at our kibbutz "resort," my Tel Aviv friend Gilad calls to tell me he's scored me a meeting with Gil Kopash, the comedian whom I wrote about here earlier.

Fucking great opportunity. Fuck. So anyway I woke up this morning and schlepped back to TA. No hiking, no massage, no spa, no groovy desert. It was so depressing coming back here to the wet grey Florentin. I know this meeting will be exciting and obviously very special opportunity for me as JFC and as entrepreneur and as journalist looking for something to write about, but damn, why did it have to happen today? Classic.

right wingers

Today, a breath of fresh air. I spent some time with Orit and Alon, who are Amit's brother and sister-in-law. We had a really nice lunch at a place called Reading (I think) which is a new boardwalk development in the north port of Tel Aviv. It is a fat wooden boardwalk lined with dozens of restaurants and gelato spots and mega-clubs and bars and whatever. It was a gorgeous day and lots of people were sitting around drinking coffee and soaking up the sun. (It's supposed to rain tomorrow for a couple of days.)

Orit and Alon, as some of you know, are not like the left-wing, anarchist-leaning ISraelis and Americans that I know from working at Camp Tawonga. They are pretty right of center, and hate Olmert and think that he is "giving Israel away" to the Arabs. It is always entertaining to hear their point of view. I'm not unfamiliar with this line of thought, but they deliver it in such an entertaining way. I learned important ISraeli slurs like "waqsh," which means I guess a sloppy idiot Israeli. Alon says that 70% of Israelis are waqshim, and 20% are arsim. I guess that leaves 10% anarcho-queer right wingers?

Why do I even bother with straight guys?

Listen, there's no accounting for it but I do get along better with gay men. This week, any dull moment has been totally enlivened by the likes of Little Yossi, Marcus or Yair. These cute nerds walk into a room and everything is suddenly fun. Gilad today showed me the underground manifesto of his former anarcho-queer roommate Uri.
"Emmmm, how do you say the word for the one who emmm receives the penis in his anal?"
"Um, the bottom?"
"Emmm, maybe."
Uri has published a zine about the many ways to take something into your ass, and it is for sale at Salon Mazal, the ultra left wing bookshop/library/vegan café in central Tel Aviv near Shenkin street. Gilad tells me that Mazal is too radical for his tastes now (I guess he's old at 27 for this sort of narashkeit) but that they carry some important literature.

I just got onto a sherut (shuttle) to Tel Aviv after a pretty action packed 10 days in Jerusalem. To be honest, I'm running a little late, but that's just what happens when you hang out with Dan Sieradski. So anyway, I'm heading down his stairs to get to Jaffa street where the sherutim are, and the shopowner downstairs (Dan sort of behind a hat shop) looks at me with my huge backpack and bags full of marzipan rugalach and ceramics and kippas and says lo, asur to go outside, police, lo tov. And I'm like, what? And he says "bomba."

Shit. We're not talkin greasy peanut snacks.

So I go back upstairs to Dan's place and I'm telling him, they won't let me outside, there's some kind of bomb maybe or something? Dan flies across his apartment to the Mac and loads up ynet news and starts instant messaging people. No one knows what's up, there's no news of a bombing. As yet. He opens the window, we hear all kinds of megaphone noise, but Dan's Hebrew is as bad as mine – which is embarassing for him since he's been here 18 months now. Finally he calls up Dave Abitbol who laughs at him (what else is new) and says it's just the settlers' protest.

If you haven't been following the news out of Israel, there was another mini disengagement the other day…Israel pulled settlers out of their illegal outpost in Amona in the West Bank. There were only nine homes there but hundreds of settlers were there to meet the police in clashes far more violent, more premeditated and more bloody than those in Gaza last summer. The hafganah (demonstration) in Kikar Zion tonight is being staged by supporters of these settlers.

This topic has pervaded Israel this week, even the weird Israel that I'm seeing as a pseudo-yeshiva student hanging out with Americans. The other day at Simchat Shlomo, the hippie Carlebach yeshiva, our teacher Raz opened class by rocking back and forth to a niggun and telling us that he had had a bad day, suffering on behalf of the pain that comes when Am Yisrael battles itself. A religious cab driver yesterday told me that he is miserably unhappy about brothers hurting brothers. I have seen hundreds of orange streamers on people's backpacks (overwhelmingly those of young religious people) and tonight I saw a sea of orange in the square.

It took me a long time to get through the protest security because I was carrying two huge backpacks plus all this rugulach. But I had to go this way because this is where the sherutim to Tel Aviv hang out. And then I got in the van and immediately started feeling lame that I didn't hang out at the protest to experience this side of Israel. But friends, Tel Aviv was calling.

More on this later. Rei is pissed that we're not watching our movie. I do have a lot more to say but finding time to write is hard.

From my Danish friend

Some of you have met my Danish pal Johan. He's the first friend I ever made over the internet, way back in 91. He visited me twice in New York all the way from Copenhagen, and it is thanks to his lust for tourism that I went to the top of the World Trade Center with him in 2000.

Anyway, he sent out a mass email to all his friends abroad today which I thought would be of interest to some folks.

Dear friends abroad,

I hope you are all well!

You might have heard Denmark mentioned in your media during the last few days in connection with the "Mohammed drawings"?



I'm afraid the reputation of my country and fellow citizens seems to be at stake because of this whole thing - and this is why I'm bothering you with this e-mail. I'll offer you some insights about this matter - since many incorrect things are stated - even in what one would refer to as "Western media".



If you haven't heard about this matter - or if you don't really care - just delete my e-mail and accept my apology for disturbing you


- - - -

Yesterday, an EU office was occupied in Gaza. Danish flags were being burned in the streets. Arab consumers are boycotting Danish goods. Palestinian and Al Qaeda groups are encouraging and threatening to kill Danish, Norwegian and French citizens all over the world. And it seems that Muslim scholars from all over the world want to interfere with and actually limit the Danish freedom of speech.

This is because the Danish newspaper "Jyllands-Posten" in October 2005 published 12 drawings of the Muslim prophet Mohammed. Some of the drawings were satirical and portrayed the prophet in a negative way. (According to (some versions of) Islam it is not at all allowed to portray the prophet).

The escalation of the conflict has, however, been strongly helped by false information. I hope you will take interest in reading about the background, clarifying some serious misunderstandings.

The drawings are NOT sponsored by the Danish people or government

The drawings were published by an independent and privately owned Danish newspaper ("Jyllands-Posten"). The Danish government has, according to Western constitutional principles, absolutely no connection to this newspaper. The government has not endorsed the drawings in any way whatsoever. But nor has it condemned the drawings because it would be an unprecedented and unconstitutional step for a Danish government to try to influence the work of the free press.


However, the government has several times, in general terms, condemned “any statement, action or expression that attempts to demonise groups of people based on their religion or ethnic background”. This statement by the Prime Minister was made in his speech to the Danish people on New Years Day after a public debate about the drawings. It has been repeated many times since.

The Danish government (or Queen) will not apologise

The Danish government has taken the stance that it can not apologise for the drawings. It feels that this would be acknowledging responsibility for the drawings. The Queen is NOT the head of the Danish Christian Church.


What was the newspaper’s reason for publishing the drawings?>

The newspaper claimed that there is an intimidation of public space where Muslims “claim the right to special treatment when insisting on special considerations for their own religious feeling. It is not compatible with a secular democracy and freedom of expression where you must be prepared to be mocked and ridiculed”. This issue was raised after several Danish artists (stand-up comedians, authors) agreed that they did not dare touch Islam as a subject of their performances. Therefore, the newpaper invited cartoonists to draw Mohammed as they percieved him and then published the results on September 30th.

Publishing the drawings was not part of an ongoing campaign against Muslims in Denmark as it has been claimed by even media in our neighbouring countries.

Are Danes burning the Koran in the streets and planning to publish a state censured version of it?

These accusations are completely false. Regarding the burning of the Koran, there was an SMS from unknown sources going around that this would take place. But it did not. If it did it would be punishable. Nor have there been any other violent expressions against Muslims in Denmark.

Supporting the campaign against Denmark does NOT help the Danish muslims

It is a small minority of Danish Muslims that think it does. The Danish Muslims that started the campaign by travelling to Saudi Arabia to rally support against Denmark represent 15.000 out of the approximately 200.000 Muslims in Denmark. Muslim MPs in Denmark and spokesmen from the vast majority of Danish Muslim organisations have condemned the campaign against their country. For obvious reasons, they do not think that it helps them. Luckily most muslims in Denmark seem moderate and willing to discuss these issues in a civilised manner. What is a problem is that most media only focus on the few muslims that seek confrontation and conflict.

The Danish Prime Minister has refused to meet with 11 ambassadors from Muslim countries in order to discuss the issue

This is true. On October 12th, the ambassadors asked for a meeting and sent a letter to the Prime Minister “urging Your Excellency’s government to take all those responsible to task under law of the land in the interest of interfaith harmony, better integration and Denmark’s overall relations with Muslim world. We rest assured that you will take all steps necessary”. The meeting was refused on the ground that the prime minister can not take any legal steps against the free press.

On February 3rd the prime minister and foreign minister has invited the ambassadors from all countries represented in Denmark to a meeting in order to discuss the conflict.

Denmark is a responsible member of the international community

Some people try to make this a general issue about racism in Denmark. However, the most thorough survey of European racism clearly rejects the accusation that Danes should be xenophobic.

The Eurobarometer is made by the European Commission. This survey asks 1000 citizens in each EU country about their attitude to immigrants. It has consistently showed that Danes are less hostile to multicultural society than the European average. (Full report: http://www.europa-kommissionen.dk/upload/application/6f66e279/EB2005-summary.pdf )

Also notice that Denmark gives the third largest foreign aid per capita in the world and ranks highest in the global development index which takes account of how factors such as trade and investments help reduce global poverty: http://www.cgdev.org/section/initiatives/_active/cdi

During the last few days, quite a few foreign newspapers have also printed some or all of the 12 drawings in support of the freedom of speech. I personally hope that this will not in any way limit our freedom of speech, allthough I fear it already has. I'm quite sure that Danish newpapers will censor themselves heavily when dealing with Islam-critical stories. Is that how we want our society to work? I do also hope that this whole thing has revealed a cultural gap that we can now focus on bridging. It is my impression that the moderate Muslims have been mobilized here in Denmark - and I hope this will aid the integration of our Muslim immigrants.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this! I hope it made sense. I'll be happy to discuss this issue with you, should you have any interest in that.

Kind regards,
Johan Bitsch Nielsen

oldilocks

I'm in Jerusalem for one last day, and have moved on up in the world to one of the nicest apartments in all of Israel, I'm quite sure. Sarah Barefoot lives in a high rise on Hevron Road, which is apparently turning into the new American colony. It's decked out with Ikea furniture from Netanya and lots of stainless appliances. Ooh la la. Now if only they had a dryer.

So something that has been gnawing at me has been the fact that everyone i hang out with in Israel is between 22 and 27. This is totally understandable, as it's a classic gap year sort of thing to do - come study at a yeshiva for a while, or come here with the intent to make aliyah, except find yourself in a relationship and then happy to move back to whatever g-dforsaken part of the diaspora you live in, content in the knowledge that you will have a jewish home and jewish babies.

But it means I don't meet anyone my age. I finally did, the other night for Shabbat - I had a lovely dinner with friends of Mickey Heimlich's from his Bat Ayin days. They are 32. I asked them about the topic and they agreed that most of their yeshiva era friends had long since returned to Montreal and NYC and LA, and that they pal around at this point with Israelis.

I haven't met a single Israeli in Jerusalem. It's hard when you know a bunch of American yeshiva nerds. They all hang out together all the time - everywhere I go I see the same Pardes crowd. If I were ever to study there, I'd have to have my own life somehow. In this sense, I am looking forward to getting back to Tel Aviv where I know some locals.

color me jewish

i can't believe they drew G-d!!! that's it, i'm gonna abduct some foreign dignitaries.

full irritating story here

So, when are you moving here?

Dude. If one more person asks me this question I am going to pop him.